Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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