Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
