I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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