We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
