i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
