Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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