I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
