i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
