I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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