Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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