i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
