Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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