How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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