mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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