I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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