were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
