Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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