I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Randomize
