I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
