He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
