who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
