I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
