The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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