my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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