She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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