my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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