Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
we should paint friendship bongs
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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