I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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