Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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