I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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