I only kidnapped one of them. chill
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
