i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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