I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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