in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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