You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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