So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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