And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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