How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
His hands were made for my vagina.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
