On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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