how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
