This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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