yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
