i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
