Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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