I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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