You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
