Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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