if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
