I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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