we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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