i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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