She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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