He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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