the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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