my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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